Location: Canada
So I was sitting there today, watching adverts as I waited for whatever it was I was watching to come on and i'm sure I saw at least three different movies coming out to do with aliens, and that got me thinking, a lot of films seem to have aliens in them these days, more so than say 5-10 years ago right?
So I always wondered when you see films like the Matrix, Men in Black or Signs, how realistic are they?
There's all these talks about "Area 51" where they have top secret stuff that can't be that top secret because we know they're top secret...so they're a secret but not top...still on my wavelength?
So this led me to think - what if these films have anything to do with things we don't know about, like the cat has been let out of the bag so they base it around movies so that we kind of have a general knowledge so if we were ever to actually witness these types of "crazy far-fetched ideas" we'd be like...ohh...ok...so that movie was real then huh?
Watching these adverts for these alien films, have you ever noticed that the aliens all seem to look the same? tall, skinny, wide face, eyes small and spaced, three skinny fingers on each hand, a big head, and a greeny/grey colour?
Like seriously, did all these amazing writers, producers and directors come together and say lets all sit and talk about aliens, so if we ever do an alien film the aliens will look the same.
Because in my head i'm thinking "i've neverrr seen an alien, so i'm going to create one to look like what i think it would look like because as a writer/producer/director I am an artist and my imagination is wild and vivid and far-fetched and outside the box".....yea..i'm not getting this vibe from them lately, are you?
I don't know if it's just my wild imagination, but i'm thinking that someone has to know something, there has to be a little truth behind these films right?
So if I get a little serious now and move away from aliens and the matrix, what about the 'Da Vinci Code', 'Constantine', 'Angels and Demons' and '2012', with all the conspiracy talk and everything flying around, surely there has to be some truth behind these films right?
I really think the film industry is trying to educate us on the sly, how well do we know the army, CIA, FBI, MI5 and MI6, and of course Area 51, i'm just saying, better keep your eyes open for that, the world may be a small place but at the same time it's pretty big and there's still anlot we don't know "dun dun dunnnnnnnnn" o_O
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Thursday 17 February 2011
Put your air mask on before you put on someone elses....
Location: Canada
So it's 5:47am on and i'm wide awake, I have a hundred different things running around my head at once like race cars doing laps, i'm definitely having one of those girly insecure moments that are very far and few between in my life...
I went to a bar today...or should I say yesterday called Faces, it's a popular place to be on a Wednesday night, I just go to dance mainly with my girl Cozza, so anyway as I end up in different parts of the bar just talking to other friends or getting a drink and as it's busy I have to say excuse me and what not, people then pick up on the accent and then we get into a conversation about who they know, where they've been and what they've seen while being in England, I must say having this accent has given me a lot of friends here, once I open my mouth they stick to me, I won't lie, I do use it to my advantage sometimes
.
So anyway, I'm standing by the bar waiting to be served and there's a basketball player standing directly in front of me with his friends, he acknowledges I'm standing there and says hi, so I say hello, he has clearly heard my accent, he says I look very beautiful in which I reply with a smile and a "thank you" and we start talking, he then tells me he's on the basketball team, which i'm very much aware of as I was just at the game a few hours before and I've been to a few others, but I just reply with a smile and a simple "oh ok".
Throughout the night I keep bumping into him, so jumping forward now i'm getting ready to leave I notice two of my friends are by the bar so I go off to get them, but as I try to get through I get stopped by a couple people who hear the accent, so by the time I get to the bar, my friends have moved but the basketball player is still there, so I say "bye" and kiss him on the cheek, but then he tells me to wait and pulls me in again, so I stand there waiting for him to say something as he stands still talking to this girl, but he leans in wanting me to kiss him again but this time on the mouth, so I just smile and pull away saying "i'll see you around" was he really going to try and get a full blown kiss while having another girl standing in his comfort zone? Plus I hate PDA so this was never going to happen.
So I see a couple other friends who have become obsessed with me saying certain words like "Peter" "pita" and "level" (don't ask), so while in a conversation with them I use one of the words purposely and say "me and him are on the same level" one of the guys in that group who I aimed it at then smiles and kisses my hand and calls me his wife.
Three weeks before I had met another basketball player in the same place, which I didn't know at the time and we seemed to really click and so we spent a lot of time standing around talking, only to realise both of our group of friends had left us and he lived quite far, so I offered him the couch in my house that people usually sleep on and he kindly accepted, so as we were walking he said to me I was very pretty in which I had smiled and said "thank you" and he replied saying that usually when guys say that to Canadian girls they assume the guys just want something and it was refreshing for him to hear a girl to just accept it with no questions asked. But the next morning when we were both awake he tried to put the moves on me which wasn't on my agenda at all, so when I had declined, he picked up his things and left.
The next week I saw him at Faces talking with a guy, once it looked like he was finishing up I grabbed him and took him to a quieter area where I let him know I wasn't happy about the way he left, why say it was refreshing for someone to just accept the compliment without them thinking the guy wants more when clearly he was one of them guys, why befriend me, say we have a lot in common only for you to walk away when you don't get what you want?
There's countless stories similar to those but I cannot be asked to go into them too, what I am trying to get at is every guy who seems to take some kind of interest in me only seems to want me for one thing, I've heard the rumour myself that English girls are easy, so is everyone trying to find out if that's true?
When I came here I kind of hoped maybe i'd find some kind of love, not a full blown love because that would be crazy knowing that i'm not here forever, but some kind of romance, something different to England, and yes I have attracted a lot of people with my accent, but it seems its only the accent and the body they all seem interested in, nothing else.
I wish someone would see me and like me, not see the accent and like the accent, and so the girly moment kicks in, so i'm wondering to myself when will I get my moment again, to be able to feel love again, because I miss the holding hands, the sitting and talking about stupid stuff, the arguments and then the apologies, the sweet random texts and the look in their eyes that they actually seeee you...it was always the small things that got me, they're the things I loved the best and missed the most, if I had to pick two things I missed out of my last relationship, it would be the ability to make him laugh, for some reason I felt so smug knowing that the laughing fit he's in was because of me, and the second thing, just lying there with him, talking about everything or not talking at all, those two are what I truly miss the most.
But I seem to be extremely picky, I have had guys after me, and if I wanted to just get into a relationship I would have been a long time ago, but there's always something in them that puts me off, I've heard people say being picky is good, because you have standards and only the best will get you, but what if you're just so picky no one can reach them?
When you have a whole bunch of guys only trying to get to you for one reason, you start to wonder about yourself, then I remembered something, with this insecurity it must take a toll on me loving myself, because i'm definitely not the prettiest or the skinniest, and well the truth is everyone is shallow, because we go for looks first and personalities later, that is just how the world is, so I truly believe if I was to shed some weight, my pickings of guys would be higher, that sucks eh?
I know not every guy is like that, but it seems like those guys who don't care are either snatched up the minute a girl notices or they are gay, the rest of the guys, well they just make it harder for girls to believe that all guys are not the same, I guess i'm blessed with the fact that some of those really nice guys are in my circle of friends.
So I realised if i'm starting to doubt the way I look then I must have lost some love for myself, and how can anyone possibly expect anyone to walk into their lives, love them and compliment them if that person will cringe and deny everything?
You have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you, maybe that's why I haven't found anyone, God is pointing out that i'm doubting and questioning because somewhere along this road of life I dropped some self worth, i'm so busy with everyone else around me, trying to hide my feelings that I forgot to look after myself, to love myself, maybe then, and only then, I won't be lying here awake at a silly time of the morning, thinking about the different events of me thinking maybe this guy will be a great guy instead of him only wanting one thing, maybe then I won't be lying in my bed wishing on the days I felt shitty that i'd have someone to just snuggle up to and hold me while I fall asleep.
I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to do it, how do you look at yourself in the mirror one day seeing a girl who's ok, from looking in the mirror the next and seeing a girl who loves herself and sees someone amazing?
That's just what was rattling around in my head, I guess I will try and sleep now =/
So it's 5:47am on and i'm wide awake, I have a hundred different things running around my head at once like race cars doing laps, i'm definitely having one of those girly insecure moments that are very far and few between in my life...
I went to a bar today...or should I say yesterday called Faces, it's a popular place to be on a Wednesday night, I just go to dance mainly with my girl Cozza, so anyway as I end up in different parts of the bar just talking to other friends or getting a drink and as it's busy I have to say excuse me and what not, people then pick up on the accent and then we get into a conversation about who they know, where they've been and what they've seen while being in England, I must say having this accent has given me a lot of friends here, once I open my mouth they stick to me, I won't lie, I do use it to my advantage sometimes
.
So anyway, I'm standing by the bar waiting to be served and there's a basketball player standing directly in front of me with his friends, he acknowledges I'm standing there and says hi, so I say hello, he has clearly heard my accent, he says I look very beautiful in which I reply with a smile and a "thank you" and we start talking, he then tells me he's on the basketball team, which i'm very much aware of as I was just at the game a few hours before and I've been to a few others, but I just reply with a smile and a simple "oh ok".
Throughout the night I keep bumping into him, so jumping forward now i'm getting ready to leave I notice two of my friends are by the bar so I go off to get them, but as I try to get through I get stopped by a couple people who hear the accent, so by the time I get to the bar, my friends have moved but the basketball player is still there, so I say "bye" and kiss him on the cheek, but then he tells me to wait and pulls me in again, so I stand there waiting for him to say something as he stands still talking to this girl, but he leans in wanting me to kiss him again but this time on the mouth, so I just smile and pull away saying "i'll see you around" was he really going to try and get a full blown kiss while having another girl standing in his comfort zone? Plus I hate PDA so this was never going to happen.
So I see a couple other friends who have become obsessed with me saying certain words like "Peter" "pita" and "level" (don't ask), so while in a conversation with them I use one of the words purposely and say "me and him are on the same level" one of the guys in that group who I aimed it at then smiles and kisses my hand and calls me his wife.
Three weeks before I had met another basketball player in the same place, which I didn't know at the time and we seemed to really click and so we spent a lot of time standing around talking, only to realise both of our group of friends had left us and he lived quite far, so I offered him the couch in my house that people usually sleep on and he kindly accepted, so as we were walking he said to me I was very pretty in which I had smiled and said "thank you" and he replied saying that usually when guys say that to Canadian girls they assume the guys just want something and it was refreshing for him to hear a girl to just accept it with no questions asked. But the next morning when we were both awake he tried to put the moves on me which wasn't on my agenda at all, so when I had declined, he picked up his things and left.
The next week I saw him at Faces talking with a guy, once it looked like he was finishing up I grabbed him and took him to a quieter area where I let him know I wasn't happy about the way he left, why say it was refreshing for someone to just accept the compliment without them thinking the guy wants more when clearly he was one of them guys, why befriend me, say we have a lot in common only for you to walk away when you don't get what you want?
There's countless stories similar to those but I cannot be asked to go into them too, what I am trying to get at is every guy who seems to take some kind of interest in me only seems to want me for one thing, I've heard the rumour myself that English girls are easy, so is everyone trying to find out if that's true?
When I came here I kind of hoped maybe i'd find some kind of love, not a full blown love because that would be crazy knowing that i'm not here forever, but some kind of romance, something different to England, and yes I have attracted a lot of people with my accent, but it seems its only the accent and the body they all seem interested in, nothing else.
I wish someone would see me and like me, not see the accent and like the accent, and so the girly moment kicks in, so i'm wondering to myself when will I get my moment again, to be able to feel love again, because I miss the holding hands, the sitting and talking about stupid stuff, the arguments and then the apologies, the sweet random texts and the look in their eyes that they actually seeee you...it was always the small things that got me, they're the things I loved the best and missed the most, if I had to pick two things I missed out of my last relationship, it would be the ability to make him laugh, for some reason I felt so smug knowing that the laughing fit he's in was because of me, and the second thing, just lying there with him, talking about everything or not talking at all, those two are what I truly miss the most.
But I seem to be extremely picky, I have had guys after me, and if I wanted to just get into a relationship I would have been a long time ago, but there's always something in them that puts me off, I've heard people say being picky is good, because you have standards and only the best will get you, but what if you're just so picky no one can reach them?
When you have a whole bunch of guys only trying to get to you for one reason, you start to wonder about yourself, then I remembered something, with this insecurity it must take a toll on me loving myself, because i'm definitely not the prettiest or the skinniest, and well the truth is everyone is shallow, because we go for looks first and personalities later, that is just how the world is, so I truly believe if I was to shed some weight, my pickings of guys would be higher, that sucks eh?
I know not every guy is like that, but it seems like those guys who don't care are either snatched up the minute a girl notices or they are gay, the rest of the guys, well they just make it harder for girls to believe that all guys are not the same, I guess i'm blessed with the fact that some of those really nice guys are in my circle of friends.
So I realised if i'm starting to doubt the way I look then I must have lost some love for myself, and how can anyone possibly expect anyone to walk into their lives, love them and compliment them if that person will cringe and deny everything?
You have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you, maybe that's why I haven't found anyone, God is pointing out that i'm doubting and questioning because somewhere along this road of life I dropped some self worth, i'm so busy with everyone else around me, trying to hide my feelings that I forgot to look after myself, to love myself, maybe then, and only then, I won't be lying here awake at a silly time of the morning, thinking about the different events of me thinking maybe this guy will be a great guy instead of him only wanting one thing, maybe then I won't be lying in my bed wishing on the days I felt shitty that i'd have someone to just snuggle up to and hold me while I fall asleep.
I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to do it, how do you look at yourself in the mirror one day seeing a girl who's ok, from looking in the mirror the next and seeing a girl who loves herself and sees someone amazing?
That's just what was rattling around in my head, I guess I will try and sleep now =/
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Life is either a great adventure or nothing....
Location: Canada
Sighhhhh *Carina blows her hair out of her face and tilts her head to one side with he tongue sticking out as she thinks about how to start this blog, she runs her fingers over the keys carefully deciding which one she will pick first*
sndlndfsivfo'jvfb <= that right there, that was me not knowing what to write first, so pressing all keys solved that problem *smug look*
So I was sitting on the toilet today as you do (not pooping for all those who screwed up their face) and as I stared into the shower curtain with my head in my hand I realised something tragic....I was bored...
Now this little phenomenon happens to the best of us, but unfortunately for me, i'm just like my mother when i'm bored, my mother is a great lady don't get me wrong, but when she's bored she seeks adventure, now this isn't a bad thing, but it is when you don't know what adventure to seek, or have the money to seek it,
so being the pro-teen that I am (to me it makes sense being a pro teen at 20 while struggling to hold on to the youth) my quest for adventure is just as hungry and my sense for change is just as strong as a kid eating 10 chocolate bars when they usually aren't allowed to have chocolate =/
So I have come up with lip tattoo ideas...when I mean lip I mean the inside of my lip that usually covers my teeth, crazy place to put it I know, but in a way I find it cool, different, mad, crazy...all the words people usually use to describe me...I have also decided I want a tattoo around my wrist, just like my friend Laura, it's pretty cool.
Finally I have come up with the idea of dying my hair blonde...I know it sounds crazy but if Rihanna and Beyonce can do it, the why can't I?
The need for a change is becoming quite strong, it got so bad towards the end of the summer, I was craving like a druggie going cold turkey, I knew Canada would have the answer, and as the day came closer and closer I was literally foaming at the mouth.
But now I'm upset, why I hear you ask? Because, my dear reader, I thought Canada would have the answer to my problems, I was soooo sure coming here would start this whole new adventure with spontaneous moments around every corner...and there was....but I've been here 6 months now, and I haven't gotten to travel around the place like I had hoped, the rent for this place prettty much sucked me dry, I don't get my next installment until march, but by then i'll have to save money for my house back in Kingston for uni and whatever other logical realistic reason I may need it for, because if I could, i'd blow it and just jump on a plane and travel around America with friends....one can dream eh?
So here I sit, on a Monday night....well if you want be precise it's early Tuesday morning, not even half way finished through watching Scot Pilgrim vs The World (which is turning out to be a pretty awesome film if I do say so myself), I've watched my other usual programmes and they no longer keep me in suspense, I need a change, an adventure, anything to keep me occupied.....I'm at a loss at the moment, tomorrow I have a free day, who knows how i'll spend it *blows hair from face again*
My 21st birthday is coming up and I feel I definitely have to make it exciting and different from my usual days, if I can honestly say it was different then I would have succeeded, until then my dear reader, until then
Love peace and hair grease x
Sighhhhh *Carina blows her hair out of her face and tilts her head to one side with he tongue sticking out as she thinks about how to start this blog, she runs her fingers over the keys carefully deciding which one she will pick first*
sndlndfsivfo'jvfb <= that right there, that was me not knowing what to write first, so pressing all keys solved that problem *smug look*
So I was sitting on the toilet today as you do (not pooping for all those who screwed up their face) and as I stared into the shower curtain with my head in my hand I realised something tragic....I was bored...
Now this little phenomenon happens to the best of us, but unfortunately for me, i'm just like my mother when i'm bored, my mother is a great lady don't get me wrong, but when she's bored she seeks adventure, now this isn't a bad thing, but it is when you don't know what adventure to seek, or have the money to seek it,
so being the pro-teen that I am (to me it makes sense being a pro teen at 20 while struggling to hold on to the youth) my quest for adventure is just as hungry and my sense for change is just as strong as a kid eating 10 chocolate bars when they usually aren't allowed to have chocolate =/
So I have come up with lip tattoo ideas...when I mean lip I mean the inside of my lip that usually covers my teeth, crazy place to put it I know, but in a way I find it cool, different, mad, crazy...all the words people usually use to describe me...I have also decided I want a tattoo around my wrist, just like my friend Laura, it's pretty cool.
Finally I have come up with the idea of dying my hair blonde...I know it sounds crazy but if Rihanna and Beyonce can do it, the why can't I?
The need for a change is becoming quite strong, it got so bad towards the end of the summer, I was craving like a druggie going cold turkey, I knew Canada would have the answer, and as the day came closer and closer I was literally foaming at the mouth.
But now I'm upset, why I hear you ask? Because, my dear reader, I thought Canada would have the answer to my problems, I was soooo sure coming here would start this whole new adventure with spontaneous moments around every corner...and there was....but I've been here 6 months now, and I haven't gotten to travel around the place like I had hoped, the rent for this place prettty much sucked me dry, I don't get my next installment until march, but by then i'll have to save money for my house back in Kingston for uni and whatever other logical realistic reason I may need it for, because if I could, i'd blow it and just jump on a plane and travel around America with friends....one can dream eh?
So here I sit, on a Monday night....well if you want be precise it's early Tuesday morning, not even half way finished through watching Scot Pilgrim vs The World (which is turning out to be a pretty awesome film if I do say so myself), I've watched my other usual programmes and they no longer keep me in suspense, I need a change, an adventure, anything to keep me occupied.....I'm at a loss at the moment, tomorrow I have a free day, who knows how i'll spend it *blows hair from face again*
My 21st birthday is coming up and I feel I definitely have to make it exciting and different from my usual days, if I can honestly say it was different then I would have succeeded, until then my dear reader, until then
Love peace and hair grease x
Saturday 5 February 2011
Imperfection is Beauty and Madness is Genius....
Location: Canada
So I spent most of my Friday night with two house mates and my friend Zach, we were supposed to do Sambucca shots, but Zach tried to trick me, we clinked glasses, hit the glasses on the table and went to drink, except I drank and he didn't, he thought he could pretend to drink while I was the idiot who actually drunk, but I had the last laugh, as I was still holding the alcohol in my mouth, I spat it back into the cup, he looked at the cup with disgust and asked why I didn't swallow it, I said why should I if he didn't?
Girls are supposed to be these perfect human beings while guys can scratch their butts and burp then giggle like girls, why do I have to be perfect to get with an imperfect person?
I hate thinking I have to walk in those kind of footsteps, I guess that's one reason why I wanted to go abroad, nobody knows me and therefore I don't have to keep up the game of perfection, I can start from scratch...no make up, no pedicures and manicures...no perfection
so here I am at 3:15pm still sitting in my nightclothes with my hair all messy and no make up on, with nail varnish on only one thumb which is pretty much chipped off and cracked nails for the rest, I have hairy legs as I haven't shaved them since October when it was still warm, the only thing I can say I have been preserving is my eyebrows, they are styled and neat.
People have told me my eyes are pretty, and so I assume they are my best features, so while I don't wear make-up or anything, I keep my eyebrows done to keep my eyes looking sweet to at least keep some kind of cuteness instead of looking like a complete banshee.
What I've noticed though is, I have guys who still complement me, who still turn back to look at me, and all I can think is, I wish I could see what they see, because clearly I don't, and that's what's wrong with society, girls feel like they have to pretty themselves up in order to look the least bit pretty, when in fact guys don't actually care as much as we think.
Back in England, I was so used to wearing make-up, I couldn't leave the house without putting on some mascara, foundation and blusher, and to be honest it was getting to me, I didn't want to have to keep doing that, but when you've kept something up for so long you're expected to look a certain way, I felt like i'd look sick if I just stopped altogether.
But here in Canada, I stroll to class in hoodies and track pants, make-upless and my hair just brushed enough to look decent, and I love it.
My mum bought me over £100 worth of make up when I was 17 instead of buying me the shirts I wanted for 6th form, because she thought if my sister is younger than me and she wears it, I should start too, before that I was never a make-up person, I went out without make-up and went to 6th form without make-up, so maybe if she had never bought me so much, maybe I would still be quite natural.
It's such a great feeling to not have to do so much work to achieve a natural look.
Also i'll let you in on another secret, yes I wanted to cut my hair to have a new kind of look, to get rid of the split ends and start again, but really it was so that I didn't have to keep up a charade of putting in weaves, because after awhile what more styles can you do? how long do you have to keep it up? and when will the glue start to bug you and turn your hair into dreadlocks?
I can breathe easy knowing I don't have to be perfect and still look ok, in fact a lot of guys don't need you to look perfect, they don't want the big boobs that we think they do, they don't care how your nails look, they'd rather you not to wear weaves and coat your face in layers of make-up.
I prefer living in this reality than the one the media is making me feel I have to live in.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel insecure as hell about a lot of stuff, including my weight, I feel like I need to be at least an English size 10 to look decent, when in fact I have guys still coming on to me with the weight I'm currently at.
But in my opinion everyone is shallow, they look at looks first, including me, and so maybe i'd get a better selection of guys I feel like I want if I looked the part first, but I really can't be bothered at this present moment in time.
So i'm still pretty much a girl, worrying about the way I look, trying to cover the bags under my eyes, stick a bit of blusher on to take away the look of a vampire sucking the life out of me and spraying myself with perfume to smell the part....I just haven't shaved my legs in months, only wear make-up when I'm going out, sit around in no bra and my nightclothes well into the day, pull out wedgies when I have them and fart in the privacy of my own space.
And so my dear friends, imperfection is beauty and madness is genius....
So I spent most of my Friday night with two house mates and my friend Zach, we were supposed to do Sambucca shots, but Zach tried to trick me, we clinked glasses, hit the glasses on the table and went to drink, except I drank and he didn't, he thought he could pretend to drink while I was the idiot who actually drunk, but I had the last laugh, as I was still holding the alcohol in my mouth, I spat it back into the cup, he looked at the cup with disgust and asked why I didn't swallow it, I said why should I if he didn't?
Girls are supposed to be these perfect human beings while guys can scratch their butts and burp then giggle like girls, why do I have to be perfect to get with an imperfect person?
I hate thinking I have to walk in those kind of footsteps, I guess that's one reason why I wanted to go abroad, nobody knows me and therefore I don't have to keep up the game of perfection, I can start from scratch...no make up, no pedicures and manicures...no perfection
so here I am at 3:15pm still sitting in my nightclothes with my hair all messy and no make up on, with nail varnish on only one thumb which is pretty much chipped off and cracked nails for the rest, I have hairy legs as I haven't shaved them since October when it was still warm, the only thing I can say I have been preserving is my eyebrows, they are styled and neat.
People have told me my eyes are pretty, and so I assume they are my best features, so while I don't wear make-up or anything, I keep my eyebrows done to keep my eyes looking sweet to at least keep some kind of cuteness instead of looking like a complete banshee.
What I've noticed though is, I have guys who still complement me, who still turn back to look at me, and all I can think is, I wish I could see what they see, because clearly I don't, and that's what's wrong with society, girls feel like they have to pretty themselves up in order to look the least bit pretty, when in fact guys don't actually care as much as we think.
Back in England, I was so used to wearing make-up, I couldn't leave the house without putting on some mascara, foundation and blusher, and to be honest it was getting to me, I didn't want to have to keep doing that, but when you've kept something up for so long you're expected to look a certain way, I felt like i'd look sick if I just stopped altogether.
But here in Canada, I stroll to class in hoodies and track pants, make-upless and my hair just brushed enough to look decent, and I love it.
My mum bought me over £100 worth of make up when I was 17 instead of buying me the shirts I wanted for 6th form, because she thought if my sister is younger than me and she wears it, I should start too, before that I was never a make-up person, I went out without make-up and went to 6th form without make-up, so maybe if she had never bought me so much, maybe I would still be quite natural.
It's such a great feeling to not have to do so much work to achieve a natural look.
Also i'll let you in on another secret, yes I wanted to cut my hair to have a new kind of look, to get rid of the split ends and start again, but really it was so that I didn't have to keep up a charade of putting in weaves, because after awhile what more styles can you do? how long do you have to keep it up? and when will the glue start to bug you and turn your hair into dreadlocks?
I can breathe easy knowing I don't have to be perfect and still look ok, in fact a lot of guys don't need you to look perfect, they don't want the big boobs that we think they do, they don't care how your nails look, they'd rather you not to wear weaves and coat your face in layers of make-up.
I prefer living in this reality than the one the media is making me feel I have to live in.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel insecure as hell about a lot of stuff, including my weight, I feel like I need to be at least an English size 10 to look decent, when in fact I have guys still coming on to me with the weight I'm currently at.
But in my opinion everyone is shallow, they look at looks first, including me, and so maybe i'd get a better selection of guys I feel like I want if I looked the part first, but I really can't be bothered at this present moment in time.
So i'm still pretty much a girl, worrying about the way I look, trying to cover the bags under my eyes, stick a bit of blusher on to take away the look of a vampire sucking the life out of me and spraying myself with perfume to smell the part....I just haven't shaved my legs in months, only wear make-up when I'm going out, sit around in no bra and my nightclothes well into the day, pull out wedgies when I have them and fart in the privacy of my own space.
And so my dear friends, imperfection is beauty and madness is genius....
Saturday 29 January 2011
Higher than a boy in a plane
Locationa: Canada
SOOOO today was a lazy day, I was supposed to revise but it just didn't work, I ended up watching Dexter instead, I love Dexter, I feel I would make the best murderer just like him because of my profession (between you and me, let's not share that statement).
So not only was it a lazy day but I lost my brain today too, I know I had it when I went to class because I was making up names to help me remember bones, e.g. the humerus is the arm bone because that's where the funny bone is, and the tibia is tiny...that's a fib because the fibula is tiny and so on...
I also know I had it when I was in my room because I was using my stalking skills and telling my friend that I was sure another friend has a girlfriend but is lying, and I also used my knowledge to tell my friend that the promise he made about always being (insert name here) isn't a good promise to make because he could be in witness protection or steal a dead guys name to hide out and then he would no longer be him...anyway
I left my room to cook chicken and Cristina (house mate) came home, I then decided I didn't want the chicken I wanted what she was eating, but then I had an argument with myself as to where to put the chicken.
Then I went to go and get the food that Cristina had, but realised I didn't have my card with me, so I had to go back and get it, I picked it up from my room and for some reason left it on the kitchen table, then I was doing some Thai Chi on the chair and nearly fell off it,
but without my brain great ideas came to mind, I've decided I want to have a happy half birthday when I get back to England, because in September i'll be half way to 22, but everyone would have missed my 21st, so I should have a half birthday, I've decided I definitely want ice cream and jelly, and Paul said to have it in a park, if I could get a bouncy castle that would be AWESOME! But that's not gonna happen, so i'll just stick with getting some speakers and stuff, but I may just have it in a house....to be continued with that idea
SOOOO today was a lazy day, I was supposed to revise but it just didn't work, I ended up watching Dexter instead, I love Dexter, I feel I would make the best murderer just like him because of my profession (between you and me, let's not share that statement).
So not only was it a lazy day but I lost my brain today too, I know I had it when I went to class because I was making up names to help me remember bones, e.g. the humerus is the arm bone because that's where the funny bone is, and the tibia is tiny...that's a fib because the fibula is tiny and so on...
I also know I had it when I was in my room because I was using my stalking skills and telling my friend that I was sure another friend has a girlfriend but is lying, and I also used my knowledge to tell my friend that the promise he made about always being (insert name here) isn't a good promise to make because he could be in witness protection or steal a dead guys name to hide out and then he would no longer be him...anyway
I left my room to cook chicken and Cristina (house mate) came home, I then decided I didn't want the chicken I wanted what she was eating, but then I had an argument with myself as to where to put the chicken.
Then I went to go and get the food that Cristina had, but realised I didn't have my card with me, so I had to go back and get it, I picked it up from my room and for some reason left it on the kitchen table, then I was doing some Thai Chi on the chair and nearly fell off it,
but without my brain great ideas came to mind, I've decided I want to have a happy half birthday when I get back to England, because in September i'll be half way to 22, but everyone would have missed my 21st, so I should have a half birthday, I've decided I definitely want ice cream and jelly, and Paul said to have it in a park, if I could get a bouncy castle that would be AWESOME! But that's not gonna happen, so i'll just stick with getting some speakers and stuff, but I may just have it in a house....to be continued with that idea
Thursday 20 January 2011
Actions speak louder than words
Location: Canada
......You know when there is sooo much going on and you just wanna get it off your chest, so you go to write another blog entry ready to pour everything out...then you realise you don't know what to write, or have the strength to write it....that would be one of those days.....
......You know when there is sooo much going on and you just wanna get it off your chest, so you go to write another blog entry ready to pour everything out...then you realise you don't know what to write, or have the strength to write it....that would be one of those days.....
Sunday 9 January 2011
A big sigh for a big heart - but love makes the world go round
Location: Canada
So last week for a couple days i'd been feeling quite emotional...not "Its-that-time-of-the-month-and-if-you-even-say-hi-I-may-start-crying" kind of emotional, but more like "I'm-in-a-different-place-realising-the-way-I've-been-living-i'snt-living" kind of emotional..am I making any sense?...maybe I should start somewhat near the beginning...
So i'm in Canada for a year, studying my second year of university, I have family here which is great, it means i'm not completely alone (although whether I was alone or not doesn't bother me).
So I was at my aunty and uncles for the Christmas holidays, three weeks I was there.....and the minute I started spending time with this family I realised they were on the opposite scale of the family i'm used to, my immediate family, and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn't quite fit in, they were and are very loving and welcoming, but that's the problem, I've never met a family so close and have so much love for each other, and I realised maybe it's because they're very God centered (my aunty and uncle are ministers), it's something my family back home lack and so I guess that's why sticky tape is used often to hold the cracks together.
So i've been there awhile now (at my aunts and uncles), going to church with them and just being apart of their family, and I'd realised my heart was full and wanted to explode, resulting in the fact that I am now very emotional.
I realised this on Friday, we were at church and my uncle came up to me and started praying, not with me, or at me...but for me, and this really shocked me, someone went out of their way to pray for me, (i'm used to doing things for others while trying to hold myself together)...this made me smile, but it was the content of the prayer that really hit me, not then, but later on that night when I was alone and wrapped up in bed, my eyes where most probably the only light in that room because I couldn't close them and go to sleep, I was too busy pondering on what he had said....
He wrapped his arms around me while I had my head down, I looked up to see it was him, but he had already had his eyes shut and he prayed, he prayed for my dad, for God to come down and show him the right path to walk. He prayed for my mum, to have her burdens lift and happiness fill her heart. He prayed for my cousin who is in hospital. He prayed for my sisters and my family as a whole.....then he prayed for me...the minute he said my name my heart stopped...he said to God he didn't know how I had the strength, to be in another country away from my family, carrying the burdens with me, he said to God, he knew I was alone in Windsor (uni) and that sometimes I may cry to myself because of my pain, and some other words that I cannot recall but do remember it had me thinking...
As I sat there with my head down listening to him praying for all these aspects of my life, I grew uncomfortable and anxious, he was letting these people around me hear my trials, he was bringing my problems to the forefront of my head, he was making them real, when I've tried so hard to cast them away and pretend 'problems' is a word that doesn't exist in my life.
I know I have problems, but I've made this brilliant person out of myself who can just brush them under the carpet and not think about it for so long, well not long enough that would have the salty water rise to my eyes.
But for someone to be there right next to me and acknowledge that even though I haven't said a word, he knows I have problems.
So that night while everyone else was in bed, I was reading a book that I had really gotten into, (three different women who had their own skeletons to acknowledge), I read until I got to the part where this girl had problems with her mother, she knew where she was but her mum was never apart of her life, but she found the courage to seek her out and mend her wounds, I started to feel upset and couldn't think why, then the words my uncle had said that evening surfaced, it brought tears to my eyes and I cried....I cried about him praying for me, I cried about the words he said, I cried about the problems within those words, I cried for the problems i'm facing and I cried while thanking God for putting me in the hands of this family, I cried while thanking him for allowing me to experience this kind of love, a love I thought only really existed on TV, I thanked him for the blessings that I have instead of the ones I don't, I cried until I eventually cried myself to sleep.
I felt better, but I still had that emotion stuck in me the day after, i'd been trying so hard not to cry in front of my family for the whole day, I think I underestimated the power of love until now, it can move you in a way you never knew was possible, so now I'm trying to think of ways to share this same love when I eventually get back to England
So last week for a couple days i'd been feeling quite emotional...not "Its-that-time-of-the-month-and-if-you-even-say-hi-I-may-start-crying" kind of emotional, but more like "I'm-in-a-different-place-realising-the-way-I've-been-living-i'snt-living" kind of emotional..am I making any sense?...maybe I should start somewhat near the beginning...
So i'm in Canada for a year, studying my second year of university, I have family here which is great, it means i'm not completely alone (although whether I was alone or not doesn't bother me).
So I was at my aunty and uncles for the Christmas holidays, three weeks I was there.....and the minute I started spending time with this family I realised they were on the opposite scale of the family i'm used to, my immediate family, and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn't quite fit in, they were and are very loving and welcoming, but that's the problem, I've never met a family so close and have so much love for each other, and I realised maybe it's because they're very God centered (my aunty and uncle are ministers), it's something my family back home lack and so I guess that's why sticky tape is used often to hold the cracks together.
So i've been there awhile now (at my aunts and uncles), going to church with them and just being apart of their family, and I'd realised my heart was full and wanted to explode, resulting in the fact that I am now very emotional.
I realised this on Friday, we were at church and my uncle came up to me and started praying, not with me, or at me...but for me, and this really shocked me, someone went out of their way to pray for me, (i'm used to doing things for others while trying to hold myself together)...this made me smile, but it was the content of the prayer that really hit me, not then, but later on that night when I was alone and wrapped up in bed, my eyes where most probably the only light in that room because I couldn't close them and go to sleep, I was too busy pondering on what he had said....
He wrapped his arms around me while I had my head down, I looked up to see it was him, but he had already had his eyes shut and he prayed, he prayed for my dad, for God to come down and show him the right path to walk. He prayed for my mum, to have her burdens lift and happiness fill her heart. He prayed for my cousin who is in hospital. He prayed for my sisters and my family as a whole.....then he prayed for me...the minute he said my name my heart stopped...he said to God he didn't know how I had the strength, to be in another country away from my family, carrying the burdens with me, he said to God, he knew I was alone in Windsor (uni) and that sometimes I may cry to myself because of my pain, and some other words that I cannot recall but do remember it had me thinking...
As I sat there with my head down listening to him praying for all these aspects of my life, I grew uncomfortable and anxious, he was letting these people around me hear my trials, he was bringing my problems to the forefront of my head, he was making them real, when I've tried so hard to cast them away and pretend 'problems' is a word that doesn't exist in my life.
I know I have problems, but I've made this brilliant person out of myself who can just brush them under the carpet and not think about it for so long, well not long enough that would have the salty water rise to my eyes.
But for someone to be there right next to me and acknowledge that even though I haven't said a word, he knows I have problems.
So that night while everyone else was in bed, I was reading a book that I had really gotten into, (three different women who had their own skeletons to acknowledge), I read until I got to the part where this girl had problems with her mother, she knew where she was but her mum was never apart of her life, but she found the courage to seek her out and mend her wounds, I started to feel upset and couldn't think why, then the words my uncle had said that evening surfaced, it brought tears to my eyes and I cried....I cried about him praying for me, I cried about the words he said, I cried about the problems within those words, I cried for the problems i'm facing and I cried while thanking God for putting me in the hands of this family, I cried while thanking him for allowing me to experience this kind of love, a love I thought only really existed on TV, I thanked him for the blessings that I have instead of the ones I don't, I cried until I eventually cried myself to sleep.
I felt better, but I still had that emotion stuck in me the day after, i'd been trying so hard not to cry in front of my family for the whole day, I think I underestimated the power of love until now, it can move you in a way you never knew was possible, so now I'm trying to think of ways to share this same love when I eventually get back to England
Friday 7 January 2011
I think...Therefore I am
Location: Canada
I've always wondered about having a blog, when I first heard of it I didn't have a clue what the hell it was....as a matter of fact I still don't....
But I've browsed around a couple people's and my general sense is that it's just a public place to hang your laundry out to dry, and what a better way to watch them dry than to have someone watching with you...I'm still pondering on whether to hang normal clothes or my underwear....underwear may be interesting but it's a bit private right....let's go for fashionable clothes, that way it'll be interesting to look at.
So the name is Carina, but i'm well known as Curry, C.C. or Rina, I was born into a crazy family, (not skitzo crazy, more like 'you've lost the plot but you're funny and kinda sane' crazy) so I tend to say the craziest things that I would actually like to know the answer to or would actually like to do, this brings me to another point about me....i'm what you would call a curious cat, but the way I see it, the myth is a cat has 9 lives, so I feel I can be outright dangerously curious at least 9 times, after that it's a hit and miss.
I stand by two quotes in life, the first by Marilyn Monroe - Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
the second by whoever came up with it - i'm old enough to know better and young enough to do it again.
I figure with the second quote I can use it up until the age of 25, 30 max then i'm screwed.
I believe in trying at least everything once, but i'm not so hot on the drugs idea, the only drugs I take are pharmaceutical ones that cannot be used more than 6/8 times a day.
so I guess this is all for now, at least I know when I need to just write stuff down to make it go somewhere other than circling the blackness in my head i'll have somewhere to put it, in other words, somewhere to hang my laundry out to dry so I can admire it with others.
I've always wondered about having a blog, when I first heard of it I didn't have a clue what the hell it was....as a matter of fact I still don't....
But I've browsed around a couple people's and my general sense is that it's just a public place to hang your laundry out to dry, and what a better way to watch them dry than to have someone watching with you...I'm still pondering on whether to hang normal clothes or my underwear....underwear may be interesting but it's a bit private right....let's go for fashionable clothes, that way it'll be interesting to look at.
So the name is Carina, but i'm well known as Curry, C.C. or Rina, I was born into a crazy family, (not skitzo crazy, more like 'you've lost the plot but you're funny and kinda sane' crazy) so I tend to say the craziest things that I would actually like to know the answer to or would actually like to do, this brings me to another point about me....i'm what you would call a curious cat, but the way I see it, the myth is a cat has 9 lives, so I feel I can be outright dangerously curious at least 9 times, after that it's a hit and miss.
I stand by two quotes in life, the first by Marilyn Monroe - Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
the second by whoever came up with it - i'm old enough to know better and young enough to do it again.
I figure with the second quote I can use it up until the age of 25, 30 max then i'm screwed.
I believe in trying at least everything once, but i'm not so hot on the drugs idea, the only drugs I take are pharmaceutical ones that cannot be used more than 6/8 times a day.
so I guess this is all for now, at least I know when I need to just write stuff down to make it go somewhere other than circling the blackness in my head i'll have somewhere to put it, in other words, somewhere to hang my laundry out to dry so I can admire it with others.
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