Put your air mask on before you put on someone elses....

Location: Canada

So it's 5:47am on and i'm wide awake, I have a hundred different things running around my head at once like race cars doing laps, i'm definitely having one of those girly insecure moments that are very far and few between in my life...
I went to a bar today...or should I say yesterday called Faces, it's a popular place to be on a Wednesday night, I just go to dance mainly with my girl Cozza, so anyway as I end up in different parts of the bar just talking to other friends or getting a drink and as it's busy I have to say excuse me and what not, people then pick up on the accent and then we get into a conversation about who they know, where they've been and what they've seen while being in England, I must say having this accent has given me a lot of friends here, once I open my mouth they stick to me, I won't lie, I do use it to my advantage sometimes
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So anyway, I'm standing by the bar waiting to be served and there's a basketball player standing directly in front of me with his friends, he acknowledges I'm standing there and says hi, so I say hello, he has clearly heard my accent, he says I look very beautiful in which I reply with a smile and a "thank you" and we start talking, he then tells me he's on the basketball team, which i'm very much aware of as I was just at the game a few hours before and I've been to a few others, but I just reply with a smile and a simple "oh ok".

Throughout the night I keep bumping into him, so jumping forward now i'm getting ready to leave I notice two of my friends are by the bar so I go off to get them, but as I try to get through I get stopped by a couple people who hear the accent, so by the time I get to the bar, my friends have moved but the basketball player is still there, so I say "bye" and kiss him on the cheek, but then he tells me to wait and pulls me in again, so I stand there waiting for him to say something as he stands still talking to this girl, but he leans in wanting me to kiss him again but this time on the mouth, so I just smile and pull away saying "i'll see you around" was he really going to try and get a full blown kiss while having another girl standing in his comfort zone? Plus I hate PDA so this was never going to happen.
So I see a couple other friends who have become obsessed with me saying certain words like "Peter" "pita" and "level" (don't ask), so while in a conversation with them I use one of the words purposely and say "me and him are on the same level" one of the guys in that group who I aimed it at then smiles and kisses my hand and calls me his wife.

Three weeks before I had met another basketball player in the same place, which I didn't know at the time and we seemed to really click and so we spent a lot of time standing around talking, only to realise both of our group of friends had left us and he lived quite far, so I offered him the couch in my house that people usually sleep on and he kindly accepted, so as we were walking he said to me I was very pretty in which I had smiled and said "thank you" and he replied saying that usually when guys say that to Canadian girls they assume the guys just want something and it was refreshing for him to hear a girl to just accept it with no questions asked. But the next morning when we were both awake he tried to put the moves on me which wasn't on my agenda at all, so when I had declined, he picked up his things and left.
The next week I saw him at Faces talking with a guy, once it looked like he was finishing up I grabbed him and took him to a quieter area where I let him know I wasn't happy about the way he left, why say it was refreshing for someone to just accept the compliment without them thinking the guy wants more when clearly he was one of them guys, why befriend me, say we have a lot in common only for you to walk away when you don't get what you want?

There's countless stories similar to those but I cannot be asked to go into them too, what I am trying to get at is every guy who seems to take some kind of interest in me only seems to want me for one thing, I've heard the rumour myself that English girls are easy, so is everyone trying to find out if that's true?
When I came here I kind of hoped maybe i'd find some kind of love, not a full blown love because that would be crazy knowing that i'm not here forever, but some kind of romance, something different to England, and yes I have attracted a lot of people with my accent, but it seems its only the accent and the body they all seem interested in, nothing else.

I wish someone would see me and like me, not see the accent and like the accent, and so the girly moment kicks in, so i'm wondering to myself when will I get my moment again, to be able to feel love again, because I miss the holding hands, the sitting and talking about stupid stuff, the arguments and then the apologies, the sweet random texts and the look in their eyes that they actually seeee you...it was always the small things that got me, they're the things I loved the best and missed the most, if I had to pick two things I missed out of my last relationship, it would be the ability to make him laugh, for some reason I felt so smug knowing that the laughing fit he's in was because of me, and the second thing, just lying there with him, talking about everything or not talking at all, those two are what I truly miss the most.

But I seem to be extremely picky, I have had guys after me, and if I wanted to just get into a relationship I would have been a long time ago, but there's always something in them that puts me off, I've heard people say being picky is good, because you have standards and only the best will get you, but what if you're just so picky no one can reach them?

When you have a whole bunch of guys only trying to get to you for one reason, you start to wonder about yourself, then I remembered something, with this insecurity it must take a toll on me loving myself, because i'm definitely not the prettiest or the skinniest, and well the truth is everyone is shallow, because we go for looks first and personalities later, that is just how the world is, so I truly believe if I was to shed some weight, my pickings of guys would be higher, that sucks eh?
I know not every guy is like that, but it seems like those guys who don't care are either snatched up the minute a girl notices or they are gay, the rest of the guys, well they just make it harder for girls to believe that all guys are not the same, I guess i'm blessed with the fact that some of those really nice guys are in my circle of friends.

So I realised if i'm starting to doubt the way I look then I must have lost some love for myself, and how can anyone possibly expect anyone to walk into their lives, love them and compliment them if that person will cringe and deny everything?
You have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you, maybe that's why I haven't found anyone, God is pointing out that i'm doubting and questioning because somewhere along this road of life I dropped some self worth, i'm so busy with everyone else around me, trying to hide my feelings that I forgot to look after myself, to love myself, maybe then, and only then, I won't be lying here awake at a silly time of the morning, thinking about the different events of me thinking maybe this guy will be a great guy instead of him only wanting one thing, maybe then I won't be lying in my bed wishing on the days I felt shitty that i'd  have someone to just snuggle up to and hold me while I fall asleep.

I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to do it, how do you look at yourself in the mirror one day seeing a girl who's ok, from looking in the mirror the next and seeing a girl who loves herself and sees someone amazing?

That's just what was rattling around in my head, I guess I will try and sleep now =/